20 Things That Happen When You Are Forever Single
It's February and you can't even buy an extra large bar of Dairy Milk and a bottle of Vouvray without being assailed by a wall of heart covered cards, boxes of chocolates and romantic meals for two. Which brings me to this list of things you will have heard or experienced if you are the perpetually single kind.
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People say things to you like "when you meet The One you'll know, because you'll feel it" and you wonder if that did happen but you just thought it was cold.
Your friends have separate events for their "couple friends" and for you. You are not invited to the couple events.
You went on Tinder once for about twenty minutes and then deleted your account, because no way are you on the same level of desperation as men who publicly post photos of their genitals. No way.
Babies and weddings now fall into the same category as your colleague's ultra marathon attempt. Interesting things that happen to other people.
Once you absent mindedly Googled "freezing your eggs" and then realised that you need something to fertilise them with.
At dinner parties your well-meaning friends often bring an incredibly unsuitable single friend. He is always mildly unattractive and has nothing in common with you.
The only people who hit on you are in committed relationships. You may not be wife material but you seem to have "mistress" written all over you.
At some point someone has given you some seriously good advice like "marry someone uglier than you, so that they love you more than you love them."
You are amazing at small talk because you nearly always turn up to parties alone.
Sometimes you hate the fact that you don't have a default partner for going to the cinema/sharing a pizza/taking to balls.
At college someone started a rumour that you had a significant other living at home. There was no other way that you could have been single for so long.
Helpful friends suggest that "you're the one they marry". Great, another decade of pasta-for-one.
All of your once single friends are going to the mortgage advisors with their partners and making spreadsheets detailing when they can realistically have a baby.
Older relatives make comments about "how much fun" your single lifestyle must be. The same ones would not be impressed if you really did meet a different Tinder willy every night.
You are really good at third wheeling.
Despite being perpetually single your coupled up friends still turn to you for relationship advice.
The man your father tried to arrange a marriage for you with is now married to another woman and has two children.
Your own mother discusses your future in terms of filling the family house with dogs, paying your nephew's school fees and hosting large parties for all your divorcing friends.
Whenever you buy something expensive and likely to last you wonder if your great-niece will like it.
People suggest potential mates who are twenty years your senior. And clearly homosexual (no matter how many times they emphasise that they "have their own business").